Cassandra lay perfectly still on a bed of white. Her pitch black hair lay around her perfectly made up face. Mason smiled and chuckled silently at the sight of his friend. It was possibly the only time he had seen her not moving in one way or another and it was so her to be perfection even in a state of rest. He resisted the urge to reach out and touch her peachy blushed cheek and instead kept his distance and his stare. She was unbelievably beautiful and in this moment he finally realized just how much. He'd always thought her pretty and at moments she could be absolutely stunning but now it hit him in the gut that his best friend may be the most beautiful person he has ever seen. They had known each other since they were kids. Mason had moved in next door when they were five and Cassie took him by the balls on the very first day and never let go. Inseparable the very best of friends who rarely fought each other but they had no problem fighting any one who tried to come between them or tried to hurt the other. When puberty hit and each found the rumblings of desire for the opposite sex they would confide in each other on their latest crushes and give midnight updates at the end of a date filed weekend night. Their relationship was a query for most of their friends and peers. Most were convinced that despite their denials and their involvement with other people that they had to be a couple. Walked like a ducked, talked like a duck they had to fuck like a duck. They would both laugh it off and say that while their were numerous benefits to their friendship sex was not one of them. When Cassie went off to NYU to pursue her artistic side and Mason went off to UF to play football they kept in touch through e-mails,texts and long distance phone calls that Cassie got her Dad to pony up the money for. Mason had found comfort in many a female high school classmate and the trend continued into his college years. A bigger pond suited him just fine, the more he had to feed on the more he grew. Cassie however was considered a class tease that is until she meet a very hunky English transplant who's accent and ability to quote Jane Austen on cue made her panties melt right off her body. No longer the only one with stories to tell about their sexual escapades stirred up something in Mason he had never known when it came to a woman. Jealousy and he was green with it. He was used to being the center of Cassie's universe and for someone else to come in and invade his territory (even territory he himself had not explored) made him angry. The unfamiliar unwanted feelings grew when he came home for Christmas break to find that New York had agreed with Cassie in numerous ways. She had been a frazzled jeans and tee kind of girl with a ponytail holder always at the ready to tame her unruly hair. The girl who came down the stairs at her parents on Christmas Eve Junior year was sleek and sophisticated. The jeans and tee were still there but now they fit like a glove and showed off her curves. Her long dark hair shone straight down her back. The knee high black spiked heels she wore just about pierced him in the heart. As he introduced her to his girlfriend and she to her boyfriend he couldn't help but look nowhere but at her. After she caught him staring at her several times and posed several pointed looks of her own in his direction she pulled him aside and asked what the hell he was looking at.
He smiled and laughed and said that he barely recognized her that she had changed so much he had to be sure that she was actually his Cassie. "Yes dip-shit the one and the same" she replied and punched him hard in the arm. He kept to himself that while she was the same Cassie (cursing and punching him proved that) she had added several obvious highly inviting assets to her arsenal. She spent the evening conversing easily with everyone and doing the best she could to make her man feel comfortable in a room full of strangers. The only person who seemed to not embrace him was Mason who found the dudes accent annoying and he noticed that the look in Cassie's eye that had once been reserved just for him was now being bestowed regularly in another mans direction. He finally got a moment alone with her late Christmas night. They both snuck out of their houses and meet up in his mothers garden gazebo. Everyone else was safely tucked in, fat on christmas cheer and turkey. They exchanged gifts and stories of the day. Cassie's uncle had got piss drunk and passed out in his chair and Mason's dog Ernie would fill any lulls in the conversation with gigantic human food farts. Cassie laughed so loud that he had to cover her mouth to keep her from waking up the neighborhood. He did it playfully pinning her to the back of the cushioned bench and willing her with shhhhh's to take it down a notch. The fit of giggles were finally suppressed after several minutes and a couple of stops and starts. When they ceased she seemed to realize his closeness and the look in her eye changed from fun to flirty. She shifted her body so that she was more comfortably underneath him. He felt her mouth open from under his hand and her teeth bite into the flesh of his palm. He winced slightly and pulled back but she held on to his hand biting just a bit harder before pulling it back and placing a red stained kiss on the spot she had bit down on. She smiled that sweet devilish smile that told him she was looking for trouble and after thinking nothing but lusty thoughts about her since the previous evening he was ready to give it to her. She was bundled up to protect herself from the chill, a bright green scarf wrapped around her neck. Desperate to see skin he pulled at the scarf flinging it to the floor and grabbing her by the hair he pulled her head backwards to expose her neck. He buried his face into the nap breathing in her scent and pressing his lips to her flesh to taste her as well. He ran his tongue along the line of her her jaw. Sweet Sweet Cassie dear Lord what am I doing he thought as he returned the favor by bitting into the side of her neck. I shouldn't be doing this this will ruin everything. But once she reacted to him with a sigh and let out just the tiniest of cries he knew he couldn't stop. The moment was to strong and he felt compelled to see it to its obvious conclusion. He lifted his head and looked into her eyes she nodded and pulled him to her. His lips meet hers and he found they were just as hungry for him. So he kissed her hard at first because the pain of it reminding him that she was indeed real and that this was really happening. They pulled clothes off each other and discarded them in a big pile on the floor. When she stood before him naked in the moonlight he let out a sigh of his own. They just stood their looking at each other, appraisals were made and mutual admiration was meet and just when he thought maybe this was as far as this night would go she breached the gap between them and grabbed his hand. She placed it on her throat and moved it slowly down to just between her breasts. She shivered under his touch "Are you cold" he wrapped her up in his arms and held her to him. "Yes but don't stop now" she wrapped her arms around him in return and buckled her knees to encourage him down to the floor. He fell gently on top of her her legs spread to let him in, once inside she wrapped them around his body and held him tightly. He kissed her softly this time slowly in order to savor the moment and when she reached between his legs to guide him inside her he did not stop her. The night seemed to go on forever their bodies intertwined moving into and away from each other. Getting so close and then backing off until neither of them could stand it any longer and they finished in a frenzy, Cassie crying out and he so rigid he thought his body would snap in half. neither spoke another word and he fell asleep with his head on her chest she gently stroked his hair until her breathing became even and her hand fell away to rest on his shoulder. When the first light came shining into the gazebo he woke to find found himself alone. Still naked but covered with a blanket that smelled of her. He wondered why she hadn't woke him perhaps she had tried he always slept hard and he figured the blanket must have been retrieved after the attempt had failed. He got up and dressed quickly. There was a good possibility that people would be stirring already. He didn't want to deal with questioning looks and mental accusations. The high of the night was already starting to wear off. The fact that Cassie had bolted (despite all the logical reasons for her to have left) filling him with doubt. His gut was filling with anxiety and guilt. They were both in relationships. Both of those people were sleeping in their beds in their parents houses. His mind flashed scenes of the night before. He played them over and over in his head. He felt weak and light headed and needed to sit down. He breathed deeply doing the best he could to calm himself. He needed to find Cassie needed her to tell him it was alright that they hadn't ruined things. That they weren't horrible people. He went to stand up and noticed a envelope on the chair by where he'd been sleeping. The wind had caught the corner lifting it enough to catch his eye. He went to it and saw the familiar scrawl of his name across the front. He opened it and saw Cassie's perfect cursive staring back at him.
My dearest Mason,
Do you remember when we were kids and we played I never told you? I always loved that game cause I knew that it was a way to wiggle secrets and lies out of you. I woke up with a start last night realizing that all those years of playing that game with you I never really told you anything. Not the important stuff. It was the perfect opportunity to tell you all the things in my head, to tell you what I thought and felt and wanted. I woke up last night in more ways than one. So here are some of the things I should have told you a long time ago....
I never told you that when I crossed my lawn over to yours and saw you that first day I thought to my five year old self there is my friend forever . He will always be a part of my life and I will always be a part of his. My five year old self was a very wise woman.
I never told you that it was me standing in the woods watching you skinny dip with your friends at camp when we were 13. My bunk mates and I spent many a night after that contemplating and arguing over which one of you was cutest and which one of you had the biggest junk. (yes you were the winner)
I never told you that I was the one who spread the rumor about Katlin giving you head in the boys bathroom Sophomore year. I knew she would be devastated even though you both denied it and that she would never be able to look at you the same. I cried with happiness when she broke up with you.
I never told you that it wasn't head cheerleader Missy you "scored" with at Senior prom it was me. You were so wasted you didn't even remember that when you approached her she kicked you in the balls and left you passed out on the ground. I found you got you to the hotel room and while I was trying to tuck you in you copped a feel and stuck your tongue down my throat. I was disgusted but I still let you grope me for about fifteen minutes until you passed out again.
I never told you that the night before we left for college I snuck into your house and stood outside the doorway of your room. I was going to seduce you. I hatched the plan with brazen confidence which I slowly lost with each passing minute in that doorway. I remembered all the things you had said about de-flowering virgins and how it lead to nothing but trouble. I stood their realizing everything you had said would come true and I couldn't do that to myself or to you. But sometimes late at night my naughty side plays the alternate scenario over in my head and I wonder what if....
I never told you that the first time James and I had sex a part of me wished I was with you. It was just a flash but it to this day I feel guilty some times when I look at him. Like I have always been unfaithful in my heart. I love him but what I feel for him can and never will compare to what I feel for you.
I never told you that when I came down those stairs last night I knew exactly what you were thinking. I had practically planned it. I can be very conniving when I want to be and I had been setting my trap for you all fall. When you touched me last night I thought I would combust. I had waiting so long for that moment. I will cherish it forever. It was perfect and I will hold it close to me for the rest of my life.
And lastly I never told you that I have always loved you. I have always wanted you for my own. I have suppressed all of my desires and hopes for a life with you because you never saw me. Not really. Not until perhaps until tonight. I wanted to keep you close to me. To be in your life somehow, some way so I kept quiet and I played the greatest role of my life. Your best friend. I don't regret a moment of it.
You will awake to find me gone. Back to New York with James. His family is coming in for the New Year. I realized sitting in that chair last night that while I finally got the one thing I wanted most in life there was still so much more I want. I have no idea what you are thinking and perhaps it is childish to walk away without finding out but I don't think I could stand to look into your eyes and see regret or worse yet fear. I'd rather live with the memory of one perfectly unbelievable night (stud!) and leave it at that. Always remember my friend I love you,
Forever yours,
Cassandra
I sat in the gazebo rereading the letter until my Father came out to get me. My Mother fawned over me the remainder of the trip. My girlfriend and I broke up right after New Years. It was the last time I saw Cassie until now. It had been over three years. Cassandra had moved with James to London the summer before Senior year. She finished out her college career performing in Much ado about nothing in the West End. James was her leading man. We still wrote,talked and skyped on a regular basis but we never ever talked about that night. At first it was because I was hurt and confused then angry and lastly because I waited to long. We fell back into our roles and it was easier for me because I knew she was happy. She wrote me this spring to tell me she was engaged. James had proposed to her in Tuscany where he had taken her for her twenty-fifth birthday. I tried to be happy for her and wish her and James a life time of love and happiness. Secretly I still held out hope that if I ever got the chance to see her again I'd change her mind. And now here I was standing in front of her still looking peaceful and dreamy completely unaware that I was there. I reached out and touched her cheek she stirred opening her eyes and smiled at me.
"Hey big boy how's it hanging?" I smiled back and said "Half way to the ground as always baby" She laughed and shook her head "Is that all?" I tilted my head and cockily replied " Never heard you complain before?" She rolls her eyes at me and sits up struggling to stretch away the sleep. "Whatever butt munch" She punches me in the arm and then grabs it so I can help her down off her perch and we stand side by side bumping shoulders.
"So it's been a while now hasn't it?" she bumps me even harder. "To long Cass. I've missed you terribly"
"I know I've been a bad friend a bad daughter a bad sister etc etc etc. But I'm home for good now" She starts to walk towards the french doors across the room.
"Yes I suppose you are I just wish that it was under different circumstances" I frowned at her retreating back but moved forward to follow her. She opened the door and walks outside into the mid day sun. She stops and reaches her hand back to me. "Shit happens May ain't nothing we can do about it now is there?" I grab her outstretched hand and we walk across the lawn until we are in my back yard. The gazebo is the final destination and she sits down on the bench and places our intertwined hands in her lap. "Cassie there is so much I want to say to you" she places her finger over my mouth to silence me. " I know May, there's a lifetime of things to be said that haven't been said a lifetime of things to be done that haven't been done and of course I want to hear all of those things do all of those things but right now i don't have the time. I have somewhere to be soon" She looked out and up towards the sun. "It's getting late. l wish you could have come sooner" she brought my hand up to her mouth and gives it gentle squeeze and a soft kiss. I knew that everything was going to be alright. That all was forgiven and that we understood one another. "I wish I'd come sooner as well. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long. How about my game of I never told you?" I pulled a yellowed bent at the corners envelope from my jacket pocket. " I wrote this to you after you left. I never sent it. Another regret I will have to live with I suppose" I opened the envelope and starting reciting it's contents.
Dearest Cassandra,
I do remember fondly the games we used to play. I never told you was but one of them and I always took the opportunity to cleanse myself of my sins. You always knew when I was lying or fabricating or keeping things from you but you never once called me on it. You always waited until the best possible moment when my guard was down or when I was most pliable and broke out the " I never told you" card. It was a relief when those days came. I knew that I could get anything off my chest and you would not hate me. We would still be solid. We always were. I am forever grateful to you for that. So now I guess it is my turn to tell you all the things I never told you during those games. The things I knew you wanted to hear but I could never say.
I never told you that that first day I looked up and saw you strutting across my lawn I knew you were the girl I wanted to spend my life with. I might have been five but I wasn't stupid. Not then. Unfortunately I let the grown up me fuck that dream up at every turn. I should have listened to the kid in me. He was much smarter.
I never told you that I saw you in the woods that night at camp. Your giggle is very distinctive and one I heard even in my dreams so there was NO way I couldn't have known you were there. As a matter of a fact I kept posing myself so you would get the best possible view of the goods.
I never told you that you had a nasty habit of undressing with the shades up. The first time I saw you was the fall after camp. I started to open my bedroom window to call out to you and stopped dead in my tracks when you lifted your shirt over you head. You developed very young and I was very high on boobies at the time(still am actually) so I figured what the hell turn about was fair play. I got lucky many times before you went away to college those images fueled my next confession.
I never told you that despite my confessions of masturbatory glory with all the hottest babes in Hollywood the only girl I ever thought about during those times was you. Sometimes two or three times a day in High School. I have not only been known to see your face when with someone else but on a couple of occasions I have called out your name. So you see your split second thought has nothing on me.
I never told you that I wanted so badly to take you to Senior Prom. You had broken up with... what was his name? three weeks before and you were so depressed. I was working up the courage to ask you when you came running up to my locker to tell me you had been asked by someone else. I hated that dude so freaking much. Watching you dance with him made me crazy and I got rip roaring drunk because of it. I remember that kick in the balls. I remember who took care of me and I remember who I was kissing and touching. I was just to fucking embarrassed to cop to it the next day. I pretended it never happen and for that I am a total shit!
I never told you that the reason I told you all that crap about taking your virginity was because I was scared shitless I'd hurt or disappoint you. I couldn't imagine seeing pain on your face or the idea that I wouldn't cut the mustard. You always talked about how you wanted your first time to be special and perfect and I didn't think for one moment that I could deliver either of those things. My heart ached when you told me you'd finally done it. James was a lucky man. I wish it had been me.
I never told you that the night we made love was the greatest night of my life. It was one of the few times I was completely honest with myself and went after what I wanted. I was a fool to keep you at arms length all those years. I just figured we were young. That there would be time. That we both needed to sow our oats and that someday we would find our way to each other.
And lastly I never told you I should have come after you that night. I shouldn't have let you get away. I should have had the courage to say all the things above to your face. To tell you that there was no one else but you. That I didn't want to pretend otherwise any more. I should have told you that you meant the world to me. That there was no one else like you. I should have told you I...
The sound of someone behind him broke his concentration he turned to see who it was "No Mason don't please finish what you were saying." she pulled my face back to her. Her eyes were shining with tears and she shook her head in an effort to push away the interruption.
"Mason, son" my fathers voice.
"Mason she was pleading with me now. "Don't please you have to finish what you were saying. You won't get another chance. Please for the love of God finish a thought will you?"
I focused my attention back on Cassie. I took back my hand and placed both of them on her face. " I never told you that I loved you Cass. More than my own life. I love you" She sighed in relief. I kissed her gently while wiping the tears from her eyes. I held her close and kissed her again on the top of her head. " I will always love you Cassie"
My fathers voice interrupts us again "Son it's almost time. People are starting to arrive". I feel Cassie go limp in my arms. Her relief at my confession replaced by resignation. There is no going back now. We look at each other one last time. "I've got to go now myself May" she expression on her face is the one that had been reserved most of her life just for me. " I know Cass I know" I squeeze her hand in a silent goodbye. When I open my eyes I am back in the room where I started. Cassie remains silently still. There is no changing that. I stand, walk over to her and with one last look of longing gently place the envelope into the coffin beside her.
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